Monday, February 11, 2013

Chalet Shenanigans - Chapter 26

First World Problems, a.k.a White Whine

I really should be doing my French homework and/or sewing the curtains for the bathroom, but Mr. Big is away in London, probably hanging out with Gordon Ramsay or Jamie Oliver, so, I am playing hookie and writing in my blog.

Which brings me to the topic for this post:  i.e. First World Problems.  Let’s see.  Hmmmm.  My husband is in London eating at some famous chef’s restaurant while I try to decide, while sitting in my chalet in the French Alps, what would be the most fulfilling use of my time.  Hmm.  Dilemma, dilemma.  See?  First World Problem.

This blog post is probably going to receive hate mail, but I don’t care.  Over here in Europe, we are not as politically correct as they are in America.  And, as far as First World Problems go, Switzerland takes the cake, hands down.  This country, I’m sure, logs the most First World Problems of any other, bar none.  The 99% can bitch and moan all they want, but, in Switzerland, no one cares.  They have real problems, here, by God, and these problems need to be taken seriously.

Truthfully, I would never write a whole article about this, but really, it is just too funny and I cannot help myself.  BECAUSE IT HAPPENS EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Usually, I chuckle and say, (under my breath), eh, First World Problem.  But, sometimes, it’s MY problem and then I’m not chuckling so much.  Fair warning, most of these problems are going to involve picture taking, skiing and sight-seeing.  YOU SEE?  Even our First World Problems involve First World Problems!

Take today, for example.  My homework (that I’m not doing but that I’m supposed to be doing) involves writing an essay on my opinion on The Minder Proposition.  The Minder Proposition is a bill that’s up for vote here next month which limits executive pay, because these bastards just make way too friggin’ much money, i.e. FWP.

Ergo, if you make so much money that your entire country thinks you need a pay cut AND FEELS THE NECESSITY TO BRING IT TO A VOTE, you have a First World Problem.

Some more examples:

You join Twitter because you think you are achingly funny but then you realize that you don’t really understand how to do it.  This embarrasses you and you tell no one that you are just not hip.

If, during a raging thunderstorm LOCATED IN SOUTH  CAROLINA, your  SWISS television skips a beat and you lose about 20 seconds of the show you are watching, this is a FWP.  This is what you say, “stupid Slingbox.  Who invented this thing?  Is it back on yet?  Jeez, I missed it.  Rewind!  Rewind!”

If, while trying to take an artistic photo of the Matterhorn, some other person walks in front of you, you say, “Dude, you are blocking my mountain. “  Then you have to wait, like, 5 seconds for them to move.  Some people are just rude.

Yes, First World Problems.  Otherwise known as White Whines.  No one takes them seriously.  No one cares.  No one is dying, right?  No one is starving.  First World Problems are the hangnails on the cuticles of life.

But, I must confess, I have them, and, yes they are funny, but they are real.  Here are some more:

In the Nespresso store, “I need 45 boxes of Ristretto”.  The lady behind the counter clarifies, “45, really?”  Yes, lady, I have Nespresso machines in three countries.  Just give me my 45 boxes.  Please.  I don’t need your raised eyebrows.  It’s 15 per country, which is not outrageous.  Spare me the eyebrow lift.  Please.

There’s a beautiful, raging blizzard going on outside, but you are all tucked up cozy inside your chalet with your fire going, sipping one of the aforementioned Nespressos, aaaand the internet goes out.  You check the computer, you check the tv, you check the iPhone.  No internet.  Waaaah!  How will I watch The Bachelor?  How will I download a new book onto my Kindle?  Wah, wah, wah.  There’s only one solution.  You get in your car and drive TO YOUR OTHER HOUSE where the internet is surely working.  (I think this one, so far, has been my ultimate First World Problem.  I’m almost embarrassed to talk about it.  Almost.)

You find yourself calculating exactly how far is too far for a 6-month old baby to fly comfortably, because you are trying to plan next summer’s family vacation.  You really want to do the South African safari thing, but that may be pushing it.  You may have to “settle” for Ibiza, or, God forbid, go slumming  in the Caribbean.

Here’s a whole subset of skiing problems.  By definition, ANY problem while skiing is a First World Problem, right?  They just don’t have these issues in Zimbabwe.

If, while sitting on a deck at a mountain restaurant, after having stopped for lunch during your day of skiing, the sun goes behind a cloud, you say, “OMG, where’s the sun?  I only like to ski in full sun or I will get chilly”.

You decide that you need a new ski jacket because your current, (although perfectly good), model does not have a dedicated pocket for your sun glasses.  It really bothers you that, on sunny days, (which are the only days that you ski, remember), when you stop to have lunch on the slopes, you do not have your sun glasses handy when you take off your helmet and goggles.  You always have to ask your husband for your glasses because his ski jacket has multiple pockets.  What a pain.

Sometimes, if you don’t time it just right, you have to wait the whole 17 minutes for the ski bus to make its’ loop.  So annoying.  You could, of course, walk to the ski lift in that time, but who does that?

You tend to avoid the slopes that have button lifts because you have white ski pants and they make your crotch look SO GRUNGY by the end of the day.  I mean, really.  Couldn’t they CLEAN those things occasionally?

And what about those restaurants that don’t give you a saucer or at least a napkin under your vin chaud?  Don’t they know how difficult it is to walk from the bar to your lounge chair in ski boots without sloshing a little?  C’mon, I’ve got white pants on here!  So thoughtless.

And for those of you out there who are thinking, “wow, I really can’t relate.  That Trailing Spouse is a horrible person, etc.”, well, if you are one of those who cleans your house BEFORE your cleaning lady gets there, you, my dear, have a First World Problem.

You get the picture.  Next time you find yourself complaining about something that 8 billion other people WISH they could complain about, just stop.  Take a deep breath and say, OK, that’s a First World Problem.

Then submit it to White Whines so all of the rest of us can enjoy it.

1 comment:

  1. Dear trailing wife, I came across your blog by coincidence just a couple of days ago, and I had FUN, FUN, FUN reading all of it! I am also aware that I am not supposed to write in here, but on your FB wall, so this is why I am gonna stop now.
    Just thank you, and PLEASE carry on with your fabulous writing, can't wait for your next post.